Time out

Hello,

I’m still on vacation and soooo turned off. Awake, but now tuned in to another channel instead. My daily life, habits, work, thoughts and activities do not excist on This new channel. Instead it’s This feeling that time stands still. That everything is here and now and the rest is just far far away.

My channel is playing timeless summer songs and in the summer heat, nature and silence there are now time and space to feel: my sorrow.

I wish l could have written happiness, but no. In the silence my deep hidden sorrow says Hello. For different reasons l haven’t had the chance or possibility to mourn truly over my loss.

The loss of my dream;

The dream of being married and being a family of four.

Believe it or not, I’m Happy divorced, but still it doesn’t change the fact that l’ve «lost» a husband and being a family of four. Two things that l truly wanted to last, where l at one time believed it would last for ever. I gave it everything l got, but one day it was over.

It feels like a Very long time ago and at the same time it feels like it was yesterday l was sitting in the car together with my husband and two kids. Now it’s just me and my beautiful kids driving in the car.

It breaks my heart thinking about it now and it gives me a deep feeling of emptiness and loss.

It did break my heart when it was over too.

And it broke my kids’ and my Ex’s heart too.

………….

But don’t misunderstand me: I don’t want to go back. I just want to acknowledge what have been and my sorrow. So that it can become something peaceful and a good memory.

Sometimes things can feel both good and bad. Honestly…. if you had known what l would give to make my dream come true again, all though l’m now looking forward to the future and accept that that dream is over….

……heart sigh….

………….