Hello,
I hope you have enjoyed your weekend so far. I have been doing all the things l want to do, but haven`t had the time to do. Cleaning my closet, repairibg some clothes, making goals and plans and so on. But who cares about that today? ha ha!
The big question is what kind of Question did he pop?
And the even bigger question is what did l answer?
I told you earlier that l had found my love goal, that l wanted to have one person close to me, closer than the others. I also told you that there were one person l wanted to have close, so what happened?
Well, the thing is that l shared my goal and told him what l wanted and the day after l applied for divorce, he popped the question and asked me:
Do you want to be my girlfriend?
And what did l say?
I didn`t answer right away to be honest. I mean… I gave him love, but still..
I know, that wasn`t very romantic, but something kept me from saying:
Y.E.S.
So l left town and as a kind of a joke l got 24 hours to decide and after my trip to Gothenborg l realized some things and this is what l answered him when l got back:
Love,
I love you, I want to be with you, but l also want to be with me.
I`ve finally found myself and l want to embrace the person l am and my needs. I`m terrified of risking loosing myself being with another person.
I will never let that happen again.
If l say yes to being your girlfriend I`ll place myself in a box, you will place me and the people around us will place me in one. I don`t want that.I don`t want to be defined or labeled by the word girlfriend. I want to be Helle. You won`t have me more or less with a girlfriend label. The only thing that will determind if l`m your girl is how you treat me, how you love me. The same goes for me. The only thing l can own is your love, through loving you, as l do today and as l will tomorrow.
So Love, l can`t be your girlfriend. I need to be free, l need to be me, just as l want you to be free.
But l do want to have you near and I`ll keep loving you, my love.
So yes, that`s what l told him. He was surprised and so was l. This wasn`t my goal at first, but l realized that all though l want to have one special person close, l don`t want a girlfriend- boyfriend relationship. I need to be with me. Something that l truly haven`t beenfor something that feels like forever. It`s the first time in my life l truly feel free and that l`m finally taking care of all of my needs.
How he responded?
Well, he wasn`t all that happy at the beginning. I must admit that. He got scared and was afraid l didn´t want him. He felt rejected, but after talking about it and assuring him what l felt for him he understood. He understood that l was still the girl he knew and rested in knowing what l felt for him.
So girlfriend? No.
Singel? Yes, but no.
In love? Always.
Being loved? Yes, by myself and by the people l have close.
Afraid that l made the wrong choice? Yes, but no. Because the other option felt much worse.
Scared of loosing him? No. Because I don`t own him. All l can do is to give him love. The only thing l can loose is my love. If he finds bigger love another place, l want him to go to where it is.
Scared of loosing the love l have for myself? Yes. Without that l have nothing. I will cherish myself and take care of myself till the day l day. Why?
That`s the only way l can care for others.
If l don`t have big love for myself, how can l give big love to the people around me?
Love and Take care of yourself, to love and care for others!
